Begin again

did your thoughts fall out of your head?

Portrait of Daruma (Bodhidharma) - Hakuin Ekaku (Metropolitan Museum of Art)

What do you do when your best thoughts go up in smoke? See notes below.

I walked with my head bowed,
and banged my head against the wall,
to empty it,
of thoughts,
that could no longer be thought,
to be mine.

Completely empty,
I sat down,
cross-legged,
when a powerful new thought,
dressed up as a monk,
struck me,
head over heels,
with a single bow.

Newly exalted,
I scrambled,
to collect my thoughts,
with broom and dustpan,
into a pile,
with something great in mind.

But an idea struck a spark,
set fire to the pile,
that thoughtlessly went,
up in smoke.

So I had to,
begin again,
and kicked myself,
black and blue -
until the thought struck me,
that maybe this is just,
enlightenment.

Notes

This poem began with a bump. I hit my head on the kitchen door, and my 5-year-old son asked: “did your thoughts fall out of your head? Like, you know, little white balls?” I keep a zen practice, where you sit down to do exactly that - noticing the thoughts going away (and coming). This was the first line of the poem.

The rest of the poem is what happens to most of us next: you cannot force your head empty. The insight arrives on its own, sometimes dressed as beguiling holy things that knock you flat. You sweep it into a neat pile, because you want to make something great of it, and the wanting is what sets it on fire. Having to begin again is not the failure. It is the whole point. Zen calls it beginner’s mind: “In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, in the expert’s there are few,” as Suzuki says.

PS the original danish text can be found here: https://pascaltimshel.notion.site/oplysning

Circle (ensō) - Hakuin Ekaku