Good enough

what if he had misunderstood the whole thing?

What if the son had misunderstood the father? See notes below

i thought it had to be hard,
to earn,
my father's love,
so i tried everything,
from laurels to the crown of thorns,
and a couple of miracles,
but he never even looked down,
at me.

so i carved myself an iron cross,
and nailed myself fast,
to the feat,
like an ironman,
look at me,
look, dad.

then i could hang there,
without being hung out for anything
but self-pity,
though i still felt a little strung up,
by all the straining,
and the cheering crowd,
who told me to just tear myself free.

but with my last breath,
he called me up,
and said i was good enough,
as i hung there.
the dead weight came alive,
and my pains lifted,
so happy,
that i could not get my arms down,
from the cross.

Origin

This poem began with Jesus, and a question I could not put down: what if he misunderstood the whole thing. What if he hung on the cross because he believed it had to be hard, that a father’s love, and your worth, are things you earn by how much you can suffer. What if, at the very end, he was freed - because he realized it was never something he had to earn at all - and that made him so happy he could not get his arms back down.

I think most sons will recognize this. In 2016 I crossed the finish line of an Ironman. Freud, and this poem, would say I did it to be handed the title of “Master” in my family by my father, because I loved him and wanted to be like him. For one whole day being recognized by him was the biggest thing in the world: he had always said there was only one master, and it had always been him. (So the next day he stepped up a rung, as the family “Oracle” - and I’m still not there.) My father is as far from perfect as he is close to knowing it, and I love him for both.

What I have learned is that you come down the day you stop waiting to be told you are good enough, not the day the word finally comes. The poem is for anyone still up on their own cross, waiting for that word.

PS the original danish text can be found here: https://pascaltimshel.notion.site/god-nok